Today has been shit, from start to now, except for one hour of it. It’s bad waking up with these thoughts of wanting to not wake up and fight the world again. Fighting for doctors appointments and getting the bullshit shuffle while my gut beats my mood down to the gutter, the core of my being twitches bloats and gurgles constantly, the pressure on my body it places on my nerves is causing numbness in my healing bone arm… and I feel like by the time I actually see a doctor they will tell me (1) I should have been seen years ago, even though I have tried for years now and have been refused. And (2) it’s bad and something I will have to live with as they won’t or can’t or don’t have budget for treatments. And or (3) there will be a gap in what they treat and what I need and I won’t know what that might be till I see them, but will probably be told I should have started whatever they won’t do for me on my own already (as if I would know what or where to start). And that will make me scream and make me want to loose my mind.
The anger this causes is killing me.
The fact that I have no one to talk to about it is hard too. I can’t speak with my family about it cause they don’t know how to be supportive or helpful but instead make it worse, lower my self esteem and generally make me feel like it’s all my fault in the first place. My partner second guesses every step I take, only after it has been taken, and gives me more to new things to worry about with only a bit of info to act on any of it. And has withheld physical intimacy for 7 years … cause he’s a bit of an asshole (I am coming to realise).
So as I look back… a random guy assaulted me, 7 months ago and took my smile teeth and collarbone, and the GP office (who I needed to refer me to for my bowel) dropped the ball over and over again for years, and still hasn’t done it properly. And last light my lover of 20 years, who says he wants to marry but hasn’t had an oragasm with me for the past 7 years, said he could “help me” but he’s not arosed… so my lover doesn’t physically express love for me or find me attractive at all anymore, my doctor can’t do their job cause they work in a Tory run NHS that’s been cripped by asininery and they refuse rudely… and my family avoid my calls or cut them very short when I get a minute, cause they don’t have time for me and take me for granted.
I don’t matter to anyone much, really.
Except myself. And some days that’s not enough.
If I try kill myself it will be successful dramatic severe live streamed to my YouTube and probably in front of the GP or bowel clinic. Perhaps with gas and a match or with a blade to open my gut so they can see something is wrong as the bowel and all the shit I am struggling with leaks onto a tidy floor they will have to mop up. Or sweep up if I use gas and a match.
David Cameron’s Big Society plan to empower them by cutting their support and budgets is killing me slowly.
So I could speed it up and go down in flames or ???
Perhaps it would be better to move to Hawaii and start the fuck over. And forget about every one and every thing. And be lonely forever, but in the sunshine.
If I have to have surgery and a colostomy bag after they let this issue go untreated for 6 years… I will not want to live this life anymore. That’s how I feel right now. The challenges of this stage of my life are too much to fast… feels like I am in the express lane to a geriatric death hospice quality of life.
I can’t handle it. Clearly.