Suicidal thoughts

Today has been shit, from start to now, except for one hour of it. It’s bad waking up with these thoughts of wanting to not wake up and fight the world again. Fighting for doctors appointments and getting the bullshit shuffle while my gut beats my mood down to the gutter, the core of my being twitches bloats and gurgles constantly, the pressure on my body it places on my nerves is causing numbness in my healing bone arm… and I feel like by the time I actually see a doctor they will tell me (1) I should have been seen years ago, even though I have tried for years now and have been refused. And (2) it’s bad and something I will have to live with as they won’t or can’t or don’t have budget for treatments. And or (3) there will be a gap in what they treat and what I need and I won’t know what that might be till I see them, but will probably be told I should have started whatever they won’t do for me on my own already (as if I would know what or where to start). And that will make me scream and make me want to loose my mind.

The anger this causes is killing me.

The fact that I have no one to talk to about it is hard too. I can’t speak with my family about it cause they don’t know how to be supportive or helpful but instead make it worse, lower my self esteem and generally make me feel like it’s all my fault in the first place. My partner second guesses every step I take, only after it has been taken, and gives me more to new things to worry about with only a bit of info to act on any of it. And has withheld physical intimacy for 7 years … cause he’s a bit of an asshole (I am coming to realise).

So as I look back… a random guy assaulted me, 7 months ago and took my smile teeth and collarbone, and the GP office (who I needed to refer me to for my bowel) dropped the ball over and over again for years, and still hasn’t done it properly. And last light my lover of 20 years, who says he wants to marry but hasn’t had an oragasm with me for the past 7 years, said he could “help me” but he’s not arosed… so my lover doesn’t physically express love for me or find me attractive at all anymore, my doctor can’t do their job cause they work in a Tory run NHS that’s been cripped by asininery and they refuse rudely… and my family avoid my calls or cut them very short when I get a minute, cause they don’t have time for me and take me for granted.

I don’t matter to anyone much, really.

Except myself. And some days that’s not enough.

If I try kill myself it will be successful dramatic severe live streamed to my YouTube and probably in front of the GP or bowel clinic. Perhaps with gas and a match or with a blade to open my gut so they can see something is wrong as the bowel and all the shit I am struggling with leaks onto a tidy floor they will have to mop up. Or sweep up if I use gas and a match.

David Cameron’s Big Society plan to empower them by cutting their support and budgets is killing me slowly.

So I could speed it up and go down in flames or ???

Perhaps it would be better to move to Hawaii and start the fuck over. And forget about every one and every thing. And be lonely forever, but in the sunshine.

If I have to have surgery and a colostomy bag after they let this issue go untreated for 6 years… I will not want to live this life anymore. That’s how I feel right now. The challenges of this stage of my life are too much to fast… feels like I am in the express lane to a geriatric death hospice quality of life.

I can’t handle it. Clearly.

St John’s Wart

I have been trying this for a few months now. And ran out a few days ago. About three days ago. And today I woke up crabby and started screaming at my computer for the stupid crap the internet frustrates users with.

So I guess a few months of not stressing over the fact the internet has turned to a click bait pile of shit that promises shit it doesn’t deliver, after they get you to sign up and register for a bullshit article that doesn’t answer the main question in the headline.

I am seeing patterns emerge.

St John’s Wart is a herbal flower based pill that calms people with anxiety. After you take it for a few weeks it starts to calm you.

I was given a prescription for pharma based anti depressants, but they made me a zombie. I didn’t give them the chance they may have needed either. Why? Cause who wants to be addicted to big pharma pills that have worse side effects and withdrawal severity. If I need this shot to stay calm and manage anxiety, then I thought I should try something that might do the job without turning me into a prescription drug addict. That didn’t work out well for Micheal Jackson, Robin Williams, Prince or anyone I heard of who is still alive.

So I bought a big box of St John’s Wart on a Holland & Barrett half price sale.

Holland & Barrett sell a few versions of St John’s Wart. I bought the one which slowly releases it through the day, so you don’t need to take more than one daily. The usual type is meant to be taken 3 times a day.

At Holland & Barrett, the usual cost for the daily single pill was near 50 pence per dose. So half price is like 25 pence a day.

I don’t know what the big pharma zombie inducing drugs costs per day.

But aside from the costs per day, risk of addiction, changes in personality and the rest of the differences… I feel better now on St John’s Wart than I did on the other crap. And don’t worry as much about the risks of a herbal pill over the others.

What has your St John’s Wart experience been like? Leave a comment to let me know…

Healing plan

So the collarbone healing is being assisted with a ultrasound gadget called Exogen, and it’s working. Doctor says, if I use it for another 3 months, it will do the trick and there won’t be any need for surgery.

So happy about that!

The teeth and jaw are another matter. Still waiting on a treatment plan from the dentists who don’t seem to be in any hurry. Fearing that, but letting the fear go, instead of dwelling on it. As the stress of fear is a waste of fucking time. LOL.

I returned from a visit home to spend time with friends, and that’s helped recharge my mojo… and rebuild my spirits. I didn’t have the strength or energy to be there and be social on all the days I was there. So I took it slow and rested some days and socialised other days. Calling friends individually to make plans offline and discreetly….so as to not have it posted on Facebook and not feel obliged to meet everyone and exhaust myself in that social obligation.

That went well. I plan to return this summer, to spend at least a month in Detroit and a few weeks bopping around other places (Chicago, NYC, San Francisco, Texas possibly, etc) in the states, to connect with people I love and have not seen enough of for years. Feels like in life there’s a lot of stuff we do in routine which disconnects us over time and that’s a pattern I am planning to change, in order to heal. Both physically, and mentally. Mojo’s don’t recharge at Doctors or Dentists, they do recharge in the company of friends. I have not made time for friends for years, cause I was wrapped up in my career, and that’s regretful. And will change. That’s my plan. My healing plan.

Hating iOS

When I bought this iOS device for making videos, and playing them off-line, it worked.

And after upgrades, it now wants to stream everything off of Wi-Fi. So I cannot play my own home made videos for friends offline. What the fuck Apple?

What happened to “it just works”? No, not anymore. Upgrade, my ass.

So now I will have to spend a whole bunch of time figuring out where to go and how many different programs to use and how much time I need to wait to move my videos from the Photos app into the Files app and then to synchronise and then to wait for that to happen and then to save them for off-line viewing and hope that it is really saved for off-line viewing instead of just cached so I can show my home movies to my friends and my vacation. What a fucking hassle you Silicon Valley cunts. That adds hours of wasted time of file management and bullshit and doubt to my workflow. Which used to be as simple as record and play (2 steps), and now is a big of a pain in the ass and prone to failure.

What the fuck Apple? What the fuckety fuck.

Take your upgrades and shove them up your ass.

My mental mood every time you fuck with what works well to upgrade it into a shitty user experience says to me, you don’t give a shit anymore and take your customers for granted. Assholes.

Steve Jobs had the courtesy of showing demos of what changed and how to use it before it changes, so you feel good with the change and are not given nasty surprises when change comes. But now, old use cases like “record video, play video offline” are forgotten so you can sell me your fucking new hosting service, and force everything through it without manual controls to retain flexibility.

Here’s a use case for you assholes:

Long press on video, pop up option, keep full file on iPad. That would work. Or, a setting in Photos to keep full file and resolution locally saved if it is one of the Favourites and has a heart icon saved to indicate it has been saved as a favourite.

People bought your shit so they could use it away from the internet too, cunts. What is the point of a wireless portable gadget that relies on constant connectivity for simple uses like this?

Don’t tell me about your fucking new features anymore cause I am loosing interest. You have frustrated me with this constant change which you don’t both to explain or document or support anymore cause you are all too busy congratulating yourselves on how clever you are. When you expect people to rely on you for their work and livelihood and then you pull the rug out from under their feet every few upgrades, you can kiss my ass. I have had enough. I have woke up angry at my iFucketyPhone and iCuntyPad which used to be fun and now just pisses me off. Assholes. Fuck you. Get out of your self congratulatory bubble and smell the stink of he shit you throw at your users, and stop taking us for granted.

You have more money than most countries, but are too stingy to source an AI dictionary that predicts or suggests things as well as Microsoft Word did in the 90’s. And your autocorrect is a fucking nightmare. Siri hardly understands English and won’t le you refine queries made in the last minute, so you have a stupid artificial intelligence, a poor dictionary, a camera that won’t let you play your own videos without WiFi and maps that send you to the wrong places, and headphone jacks replaced with more overpriced converter cables than any sane person wants to carry with them. So perhaps I will try Android and let Google see and share all my shit with every corporation who wants it cause it probably won’t piss me off everyday I use it, and might just work. I’d rather not open my arse for corporate snoopers to sniff around, but paying you fuckwits to torture me with bad user experiences and workflows is testing my sanity and patience and has done for over a year now. I hate iOS. Didn’t used too. But now I do.

I hate iOS.

Taking some time

Here’s a first. I was let go at my new job. It was a bit earlier than I anticipated, but not by much. I was feeling that it wasn’t a good fit, like trying to make a square peg fit in a round hole. My manager thought so too. Trouble is, I got hired by one guy, then when I started he had quit the company… and the replacement didn’t know what to make of me. The chap who hired me was the Head of Digital, but when he left, they offloaded his big-picture oversight duties onto the teams he used to manage.

So basically, I got hired on one job description… then on my first day, I was told it would change. And they would be figuring out in what ways over the coming weeks. So about 4 weeks later, they shared the basics of the plan with the Project Managers, then a few weeks later with the wider team.  That took up 1/2 of the time I was there, and meant in order for me to do the work under the new description I would need to let go of some of the things I actually enjoy about the job, in favour of other stuff I have less experience in. As a PM, I like getting into the detail to master it and make it work it’s best, for clients. At this place, that would be less of the focus of the new role, and so it made sense to change.


Now, as this is the second job I have left recently with some similar concerns expressed from some other managers, I am starting to think I might have an issue. If I can’t change my disposition to become the charismatic charmer I am normally, then I should take some time off and try to find that in myself.

I should also be aware that some managers are not good at their job, and not take this all too personally. Since the assault in December, it’s only been 4 months. And the effects of that… still have me rather shaken. I find myself more reflective than normal, and occasionally like a “deer in headlights” in moments of panic or anxiety or frustration. I have even had a few counter staff at a cafe ask if I am alright, when it took me a while to get some money out to pay for a sandwich. So if the cafe staff are seeing I am not OK, maybe I am really not OK.

I am due to see a (Victim Support) Therapist, starting next Tuesday, for 8 weeks. I really could have used not waiting 4 months for this. But as I have waited that long, perhaps it will be easier to talk about, as the effects are more clear now.

So if I take 3 months off, at least, and find myself. That will be a good thing. That’s the plan.