Part one of my visit home has been pure joy! My sister and her husband are great together and to be with.
Their two older cats were joined by a newbie kitten playful and cute. I finally found out what joy some people see in cats. They can be fun.
Tomorrow is onto another town and sibling…
My sister even came to the airport to get me too. I feel welcome, and thankful for not feeling like a inconvenience or burden. Hope that happens for the rest of the family visits planned. Fingers crossed!
On the plane now waiting to take off. Feeling anxious and a bit worried. I hope the worries pass and I am received well with joyous hosts, rather than the usual. We’ll see.
I don’t know how to tell any of them how much has changed for me and what I feel nowadays and struggle with. When I have tried before, it goes missed as topics flow and others take the conversation elsewhere.
I hope I find joy on this visit. But I don’t know what that looks like anymore. I have to be the passenger rather than driver on this trip… and hope joyous moments arise. And are engaged with by my family.
If I don’t find joy on this family visit then the second bit of it will be a release, as I am going to party like I am 1/2 my age with my bro and his friends. As I turn 50, I will not be with my friends. I will be with his friends. My brother is the youngest of a batch, and needs to be told over and over again things that validate his choices and worth, and so he asks for those compliments by talking about his life as if he were selling it as a lifestyle that everyone should have… and when you indulge, occasionally he gets a bit elite about it and goes offensively overboard.
Like when I said I need to enjoy more now as I have not focused on joy each day for a few years… and he says something like “I am glad you have finally started that… and his tone says, I learned that years ago jackass” then disregards the rest of that package which also mentions other things like pensions, mortgages and other shit I prioritised and he hasn’t. So to jump to a judgement of the facts in whole, is premature. And odd.
It’s like the house I bought for my mom, who would be a renter if I hadn’t done that… when she speaks about the renters, she feels a bit better than them and probably should feel less of a snotty difference. But we all have shit we snob out about. And I am finding that health is one of them, so is mental health. Everyone in my family asks if I have any one I can talk too about things, rather than asking if I want to talk to them. No one has the time. And that is the modern world we live in. Backwards. Everyone has a smart phone and no one talks anymore or thinks for themselves. The US President argues the UK should leave Europe. The FBI saw nothing when Trump went on television debates and asking Russia to meddle in our election. The man who loves me still hasn’t been sexual with me for years and I am falling apart because of all this.
I don’t think that will change on this trip.
Why am I even going?
I am starting to bubble over with pre-family-visit anxiety again.
This happens every time. I am sure, no matter what, someone will complain about me or something I did or didn’t do, or when I turned up or something. And I will not be able to handle it. I don’t know why I am travelling across the globe again to see people who haven’t been here in nearly 20 years. Seems like I give my effort, time and money to see people and get very little in return. Some can’t even drive a few hours or less to meet. But want to say how much they want to meet on Facebook (but often don’t mean it when it comes down to making any effort anyway).
I have to wait for the St John’s Wart to kick in and chill. And go for a walk and get off this computer. Family stresses, Computers and gadgets are severe triggers for me, sometimes. And computers seem to be a part of life that’s hard to avoid nowadays. I kinda wish I could take a year offline and still be able to stay in touch with people. But everyone’s addicted to their apps and gadgets and it’s almost unthinkable to ask them to try old methods like speaking on a voice call. Or making time for real bonding, beyond typing.
So I am traveling again, to various places to see people I love. And I hope it’s not a ball ache of passive aggressive judgement… I hope I am not made to feel bad about myself in anyway by the people in my family who do that to me cause they can’t stop themselves and don’t know they even do it as they question every action and step I take, as if they are better cause they don’t have any of the same kind of troubles… with health, getting old, fragility or irrelevance.
What a difference a day makes. Today is good.
Today, re reading this… I realise yesterday was bad but my family is not. I phoned my brother who had a few minutes available but didn’t call me back today. But I also phoned my mom, and talked with her for long enough to feel better and the phoned a friend who makes me laugh and took me to a better brighter mood.
I put some dark crap up here, cause hardly anyone reads this and I can use it like a diary… and doing that has helped me see that when I am down… my view is cloudy dark and TEMPORARY.
Today I woke up better. I know I matter, in the way I want to for some of the people who matter to me too. And I can’t stress too much about those others who love me but frustrate me or don’t get the severity of my emotional roller coaster of moods now.
This will pass.
I know that.
Today, I woke up happily and feel good. And that’s a relief.
And my bowel is not twisting me to tears today either… so that’s rather nice.
I saw a friend this morning for breakfast and planned to meet up with another next Sunday too… so hallelujah! I am better than yesterday.
Fuck it. I’m going to have a drink. And then another. And sleep this shit out.
The whole day, except for one hour when I was at the dentist, was shit.
If the highlight of your day was the hour spent at the dentist’s… shit is bad. My shit is bad. Dear God help me.