Taking some time

Here’s a first. I was let go at my new job. It was a bit earlier than I anticipated, but not by much. I was feeling that it wasn’t a good fit, like trying to make a square peg fit in a round hole. My manager thought so too. Trouble is, I got hired by one guy, then when I started he had quit the company… and the replacement didn’t know what to make of me. The chap who hired me was the Head of Digital, but when he left, they offloaded his big-picture oversight duties onto the teams he used to manage.

So basically, I got hired on one job description… then on my first day, I was told it would change. And they would be figuring out in what ways over the coming weeks. So about 4 weeks later, they shared the basics of the plan with the Project Managers, then a few weeks later with the wider team.  That took up 1/2 of the time I was there, and meant in order for me to do the work under the new description I would need to let go of some of the things I actually enjoy about the job, in favour of other stuff I have less experience in. As a PM, I like getting into the detail to master it and make it work it’s best, for clients. At this place, that would be less of the focus of the new role, and so it made sense to change.

Anyways.

Now, as this is the second job I have left recently with some similar concerns expressed from some other managers, I am starting to think I might have an issue. If I can’t change my disposition to become the charismatic charmer I am normally, then I should take some time off and try to find that in myself.

I should also be aware that some managers are not good at their job, and not take this all too personally. Since the assault in December, it’s only been 4 months. And the effects of that… still have me rather shaken. I find myself more reflective than normal, and occasionally like a “deer in headlights” in moments of panic or anxiety or frustration. I have even had a few counter staff at a cafe ask if I am alright, when it took me a while to get some money out to pay for a sandwich. So if the cafe staff are seeing I am not OK, maybe I am really not OK.

I am due to see a (Victim Support) Therapist, starting next Tuesday, for 8 weeks. I really could have used not waiting 4 months for this. But as I have waited that long, perhaps it will be easier to talk about, as the effects are more clear now.

So if I take 3 months off, at least, and find myself. That will be a good thing. That’s the plan.

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