Healing plan

So the collarbone healing is being assisted with a ultrasound gadget called Exogen, and it’s working. Doctor says, if I use it for another 3 months, it will do the trick and there won’t be any need for surgery.

So happy about that!

The teeth and jaw are another matter. Still waiting on a treatment plan from the dentists who don’t seem to be in any hurry. Fearing that, but letting the fear go, instead of dwelling on it. As the stress of fear is a waste of fucking time. LOL.

I returned from a visit home to spend time with friends, and that’s helped recharge my mojo… and rebuild my spirits. I didn’t have the strength or energy to be there and be social on all the days I was there. So I took it slow and rested some days and socialised other days. Calling friends individually to make plans offline and discreetly….so as to not have it posted on Facebook and not feel obliged to meet everyone and exhaust myself in that social obligation.

That went well. I plan to return this summer, to spend at least a month in Detroit and a few weeks bopping around other places (Chicago, NYC, San Francisco, Texas possibly, etc) in the states, to connect with people I love and have not seen enough of for years. Feels like in life there’s a lot of stuff we do in routine which disconnects us over time and that’s a pattern I am planning to change, in order to heal. Both physically, and mentally. Mojo’s don’t recharge at Doctors or Dentists, they do recharge in the company of friends. I have not made time for friends for years, cause I was wrapped up in my career, and that’s regretful. And will change. That’s my plan. My healing plan.

Hating iOS

When I bought this iOS device for making videos, and playing them off-line, it worked.

And after upgrades, it now wants to stream everything off of Wi-Fi. So I cannot play my own home made videos for friends offline. What the fuck Apple?

What happened to “it just works”? No, not anymore. Upgrade, my ass.

So now I will have to spend a whole bunch of time figuring out where to go and how many different programs to use and how much time I need to wait to move my videos from the Photos app into the Files app and then to synchronise and then to wait for that to happen and then to save them for off-line viewing and hope that it is really saved for off-line viewing instead of just cached so I can show my home movies to my friends and my vacation. What a fucking hassle you Silicon Valley cunts. That adds hours of wasted time of file management and bullshit and doubt to my workflow. Which used to be as simple as record and play (2 steps), and now is a big of a pain in the ass and prone to failure.

What the fuck Apple? What the fuckety fuck.

Take your upgrades and shove them up your ass.

My mental mood every time you fuck with what works well to upgrade it into a shitty user experience says to me, you don’t give a shit anymore and take your customers for granted. Assholes.

Steve Jobs had the courtesy of showing demos of what changed and how to use it before it changes, so you feel good with the change and are not given nasty surprises when change comes. But now, old use cases like “record video, play video offline” are forgotten so you can sell me your fucking new hosting service, and force everything through it without manual controls to retain flexibility.

Here’s a use case for you assholes:

Long press on video, pop up option, keep full file on iPad. That would work. Or, a setting in Photos to keep full file and resolution locally saved if it is one of the Favourites and has a heart icon saved to indicate it has been saved as a favourite.

People bought your shit so they could use it away from the internet too, cunts. What is the point of a wireless portable gadget that relies on constant connectivity for simple uses like this?

Don’t tell me about your fucking new features anymore cause I am loosing interest. You have frustrated me with this constant change which you don’t both to explain or document or support anymore cause you are all too busy congratulating yourselves on how clever you are. When you expect people to rely on you for their work and livelihood and then you pull the rug out from under their feet every few upgrades, you can kiss my ass. I have had enough. I have woke up angry at my iFucketyPhone and iCuntyPad which used to be fun and now just pisses me off. Assholes. Fuck you. Get out of your self congratulatory bubble and smell the stink of he shit you throw at your users, and stop taking us for granted.

You have more money than most countries, but are too stingy to source an AI dictionary that predicts or suggests things as well as Microsoft Word did in the 90’s. And your autocorrect is a fucking nightmare. Siri hardly understands English and won’t le you refine queries made in the last minute, so you have a stupid artificial intelligence, a poor dictionary, a camera that won’t let you play your own videos without WiFi and maps that send you to the wrong places, and headphone jacks replaced with more overpriced converter cables than any sane person wants to carry with them. So perhaps I will try Android and let Google see and share all my shit with every corporation who wants it cause it probably won’t piss me off everyday I use it, and might just work. I’d rather not open my arse for corporate snoopers to sniff around, but paying you fuckwits to torture me with bad user experiences and workflows is testing my sanity and patience and has done for over a year now. I hate iOS. Didn’t used too. But now I do.

I hate iOS.

Taking some time

Here’s a first. I was let go at my new job. It was a bit earlier than I anticipated, but not by much. I was feeling that it wasn’t a good fit, like trying to make a square peg fit in a round hole. My manager thought so too. Trouble is, I got hired by one guy, then when I started he had quit the company… and the replacement didn’t know what to make of me. The chap who hired me was the Head of Digital, but when he left, they offloaded his big-picture oversight duties onto the teams he used to manage.

So basically, I got hired on one job description… then on my first day, I was told it would change. And they would be figuring out in what ways over the coming weeks. So about 4 weeks later, they shared the basics of the plan with the Project Managers, then a few weeks later with the wider team.  That took up 1/2 of the time I was there, and meant in order for me to do the work under the new description I would need to let go of some of the things I actually enjoy about the job, in favour of other stuff I have less experience in. As a PM, I like getting into the detail to master it and make it work it’s best, for clients. At this place, that would be less of the focus of the new role, and so it made sense to change.

Anyways.

Now, as this is the second job I have left recently with some similar concerns expressed from some other managers, I am starting to think I might have an issue. If I can’t change my disposition to become the charismatic charmer I am normally, then I should take some time off and try to find that in myself.

I should also be aware that some managers are not good at their job, and not take this all too personally. Since the assault in December, it’s only been 4 months. And the effects of that… still have me rather shaken. I find myself more reflective than normal, and occasionally like a “deer in headlights” in moments of panic or anxiety or frustration. I have even had a few counter staff at a cafe ask if I am alright, when it took me a while to get some money out to pay for a sandwich. So if the cafe staff are seeing I am not OK, maybe I am really not OK.

I am due to see a (Victim Support) Therapist, starting next Tuesday, for 8 weeks. I really could have used not waiting 4 months for this. But as I have waited that long, perhaps it will be easier to talk about, as the effects are more clear now.

So if I take 3 months off, at least, and find myself. That will be a good thing. That’s the plan.

Struggling

Since I was assaulted in Shoreditch, I have been seeing doctors and dentists… and dealing with the damage caused. It’s been hard. Today, it’s really hard. I want to cry. I might loose some or most of my top front teeth, and need a bridge instead or if I am really lucky, implants after bone restoration. The punch I took to my jaw, broke the supporting bone behind the teeth and pushed the teeth back. When they pulled them forward and shaved some depth off the bottom, the placement made it possible to bite again, but the gaps between them are now huge and there is only soft tissue between them, rather than normal tissue. That soft tissue will recede over time. I can already use a larger tee-pee size to brush between them. I hate this.

Dec 9, assaulted

Jan mid, saw other dentists who told me what I wasn’t ready to hear, Ela and Richard (Endontist)

Feb 12, Oral surgeon, Dejan says need to see Richard again for his view and splint removal and if teeth can be saved. Or should be.

Feb 12, two months after the assault I am unable to feel from 1/2 my mouth in front… and so am starting to except this major shit really may need to happen and that some punk random young assholes can and did really punch the smile off my face. And I can hardly remember smiling without this horrid splint on my face… it’s like something bigger than my teeth are in crisis. My soul is. My very soul. How can I go about my life here anymore? Should I leave this fucking town? Should I change how I live here and stay? Or start over? Tears.